They’re Back… let’s be REAL for a Moment

Sometimes you might ask yourself, why me? And honestly last night I broke down with my boyfriend and did! I am in a lot of agony right now you could say, and today my headache is not due to stress or well, actually let’s be honest it is. Unwanted stress of the lows of having a brain that will not cooperate lately… here’s some dark poetry for the curious soul…

7 years of Freedom they chanted in my head, as I laid afraid and restless in my bed

Schizophrenia was a mistake, but shchizo-affective, that’s the pill we will take

You thought now that you were living your career dreams that you wouldn’t lose your independence, your ability to speak

“Answer us in public, we dare you”

I think to myself I have to keep myself together, crazy I am not! Ok, let’s slow down and focus on that thought, you have the power to meditate, try that, why not?

Double the dose of your least favourite antipsychotic, it’s the doctor’s orders…

Why hello brain fog of drowsiness it’s been a while… here’s a migraine to add to your grief…

I count down the hours until I can leave, but work is important, I must not miss a minute.

You know you are sick, treat this as nothing else.

Maria, hold on and listen to YOURSELF!

Let me just give myself a pat on the back for a minute, because my ability to focus for this amount of time to write a dark piece of original poetry for the first time in years, is actually a success! I am hurting with every ounce of my brain, and am finally going to take a deep breath and take some ibuprofen for my headache that has lasted all day, but leaving work at noon because of auditory Hallucinations IS NOT a crime. I did everything right, I muscled through two full days of hell with this happening at work, I can definitely take on tomorrow, if I have a good sleep tonight.

So thank you Maria from 2012, for not dying when you OD’d because those voices didn’t kill you then, they certainly won’t stand a chance nearly seven years down the road!

New Year, Same Content Me…

The past week was full of the annual festivities and New Years Shenanigans and I had a very ordinary week. I worked on the 31st, left at lunch because I felt sick, and for the record this damn chronic tonsil thing I get at least twice each flu season can go take a hike, to put it gently…

Tuesday I slept in after going to bed far too late in the wee hours that morning for a person feeling sick! (Thank goodness I never work STAT holidays!) Then followed a fairly standard Wednesday, Thursday and Friday! I felt very proud of myself on Thursday, when I faced my fears of Sensory Stimulation programs and managed to be very effective on my own! Big win at life there!

Friday, well… it was a quiet afternoon as it usually is, and I often spend the better part of Friday spending time with as many residents one on one before the weekend. Just before I left work, I was very upset by a comment a fellow employee of the hospital pitched in about my personal life, but I’m going to not dwell on that anymore.

Now this brings me to today, well technically yesterday if we’re counting by hours, but Saturday January 5th, was a day I had been planning since the beginning of December. It was what was supposed to be my first Girls’ Night hosted by myself in my new home with Icarus! Well… let’s just say that my perfectly timed shrimp cocktail and two varieties of chicken wings which required different oven temperatures and cook times, were taken out of the oven possibly a month too early, because not a single soul was able to make it. So I did what any socially anxious person would do, I cried only a little, texted those who really have my back, laid out the food as if everyone had arrived, and picked at what I wanted to eat, with a glass of wine in tow. You could say I was a little bit let down, and my little wrapped party favours with hand written post it messages were something I felt like throwing in the trash, but when I spoke to my sister, a few of my friends, and also my boyfriend; I realized that shit happens. Sometimes we plan a party, spend way too much money on food and other items, (including pet safe ice melt salt I will add!) and we have to shed a couple tears and spend time with the ones who will do their best not to let us down…

I will not name names of those who made me feel much better tonight, aside from Icarus, because he gave me the hugs and kisses I needed when my boyfriend couldn’t because he was home sick. It was my last Saturday before school starts up again, and it certainly wasn’t wasted!

Signing off, for hopefully less time tonight,

Maria

Letter to the girl I once was

Dear Maria,

One day you will wake up and think your life is finally over. You will look in the mirror and not even recognize the eyes gazing back at you. You will feel like you are walking through life without even stopping to take things in. Your mind will slow down to the point that you wonder if it even works anymore. The meds you take will feel so potent that you won’t even have the energy to make it through your day. Trying to find the silver lining in life will drive you mad. Then after all that suffering, you will just want to give up.

You must not give up. Giving up is what sent you to the hospital many a time before. There is always an opportunity to happiness at the end of every darkened day. This is not your year to die, and if you’re lucky neither will the next ten.

Wishing for a natural death, so it doesn’t have to be self-inflicted, is just as harmful as the idea playing in your mind about how you would leave. Leave this world, your loved ones, and all the pain of the past. Listen to the voice inside your head, how ever weak it may be; telling you to hold on once more. You are loved more than you know, even if you don’t believe it right now.

Love,

The woman you have become.

What do we do when we can’t sleep? Well, I write…

Today was a long busy day at work, as usual and I was looking forward to spending a night snuggled up to a movie. That didn’t happen, but I had a much better night, as I took my baby home. No, I’m not talking about a child, probably will never have kids. Different rant for a different time.

I took home Icarus! Yes, finally after a year of living with my boyfriend and his dad, I took him home to mama’s new place!! Ok I’m referring to myself as a mother, that is a bit odd, however, I love this dog with all my heart. I have also been closer to animals than humans, and now I have my very own pet therapist, Dr. Icarus PrPich!

Oh my…

My humour is horrible.

Anyway, I brought the little monster home in the cold and he was scared of the stairs, as usual with stairs. So I lifted him up after the second step the first go round to get him and I in from the cold. Things went quite well for the two of us, I can go to the bathroom without him wrecking things, so far…

Also, he loves all the wonderful windows he has to look out of that are his height! His bed is plopped right in the middle of the living room currently, but he has since woken up and found a spot, under my Christmas tree on a warm blanket. I did all my decorating last night after work, went a little crazy, but it was all to have it done, before I took the little guy home. He would have made decorating a lot longer and it would have involved some broken ornaments too.

The year and a half of misery in my apartment has come to a close and it’s been over two weeks since I’ve been in the new place, however I have only had two weekends to enjoy it so far, including this one. I think this next year I am going to try and stay in High Prairie a little more often. Make some friends around town, and actually have people to hang out with at some of my favourite little places in town, like Fresh Inspirations or Park Theatre. I also want to go to the skating rink in Joussard, as I have yet to find an outdoor rink in town. Christopher will have to coach me on the skating thing, he will get a kick out of his girlfriend who will be looking a lot like Bambi, considering I haven’t skated in over 2 years, may even 3! Not to mention the fact that I wasn’t the best skater to begin with! Another goal I have once school wraps up on the 30th, is to take more time for leisure. I may sound like a broken record on this, but as a TR professional, I really struggle with finding a balance in my own life when it comes to enjoying myself, outside of work and school obligations.

I am very passionate about my job, and advancing my career, but I also need to remember to take care of myself. Working full time and going to school is not easy, particularly with mental health issues, and I should know by now, that a lack of self care, is my worst nightmare!

I guess writing was what I needed to do, to wind down before bed, because now that I have I am finally tired; naturally. I haven’t taken my medication yet because it is Friday and I wanted to be alert, but with the puggy all cozy and snoring next to me, I believe it is time for me join him, but tonight I think I’m going to opt for the couch, just because my bedroom can be pretty draft-y.

Well, I guess I should do, what a compliant patient does, and take my medication. 3-4 hrs before bed is bullshit tonight, because I’ll be out within 20 minutes after the long day I’ve had! I never miss a dose, but taking it on time was a habit I broke when the semester started, which led me to where I am today. Stressed out, exhausted and hypo-manic to boot. Thank goodness the latter is slowly going away.

Good night world,

Hope you’ve had a good Friday, because it’s been Saturday here for two hours and I am off to bed!

Well 1:30 is the new 10 I guess…

Another late night, I swear I need to get my sleep schedule back on track. So much going on right now I can’t even begin to list all the things that are haunting my brain at this hour. Work in 7 hours and I am once again wide awake. The worst part about the whole thing is I can’t even remember taking my meds tonight. Part of me believes I did, but the logical side of me worries that I didn’t. May be time to start using my grandma’s pill box again. How old am I really? Certainly not the age on my drivers license because I feel horrible. I told Christopher today in between laughs, that dating me is like being with an 80 year old with dementia. I am constantly repeating myself but half the time I’m unaware. My memory always seems to be the first thing to go when I’m short on sleep. Then come the tears, and the giggles, at things that aren’t remotely funny. Reminds me of all-nighter sleepovers from my childhood and early teens. I want to take something to help me sleep, but I’m so sensitive to certain meds, that I’ll probably be half asleep for the first 3 hours of my shift like I have been in the past. Makeup over dark circles is becoming my best friend. Hopefully I can catch up on some sleep tomorrow and on the weekend. Thinking about it now, it’s Thursday technically and I have a busy day ahead of me. So much to do, and right now it feels like I’m counting down hours I have left in a day to go to bed at a decent time and when that time comes I’m wide awake from using my brain so much. Wide awake, yes, but physically exhausted. This feeling is hard to describe, a mix between anxiety and most likely hypomania. A deadly combination when you want to be productive. Feels like I can do anything, but time is wasted overthinking and before I know it I’ve been trying to eat supper, text a friend, read my textbook and clean my apartment for hours and haven’t accomplished any of it. I slow down, finish one thing at a time and just when I think I’ve got it figured out I begin to doubt myself: is my alarm clock set, I check at least ten times knowing that it is, but still not positive. Do I have clothes ready for tomorrow? Do they need to be ironed? Can I get away with not ironing these pants? Then I think about work, I have things to go over with my supervisor but he’s been extra busy and I have programs to run. Can I spare a minute after this program? Yes I can, ok but now he is in a meeting. Now back downstairs I run. There’s no wonder I’m crushing my step goals almost every day I’m constantly running around trying to get everything done according to schedule and have time to plan. Which works fine 3 days a week, but when I’m not working alone I can’t plan because my coworker relies on me. It’s a balancing act I am used to, but it’s far more difficult when I’m running on fumes…

Better Late than Never

I realized that I made it a week without posting after challenging myself to do so for eight weeks so I decided to post tonight in lieu of my post last week. Technically Sunday starts a new week, but I will post another one later on to not get any further behind.

This weekend was one of the better ones I’ve had in a while. I didn’t exactly do anything spectacular, but that might also be another reason why it was so great. Friday Christopher and I went to Slave Lake, because I had to do some shopping for a program at work next week, and I decided why not have a date night. It was awesome, we had a nice dinner, sang in the car and came back to his place and had quality time. Yesterday was much of the same, we didn’t do a whole lot, but we watched Hocus Pocus, my first time and had snacks and I even baked Icarus his birthday cake earlier in the day, we ended the night and snuggled up in bed. Today I made the icing and gave Icarus his birthday cake then we continued to watch season 2 of Atypical, which Christopher hadn’t seen the first season. There’s something about that show that really gets to me emotionally. The main character is a senior in high school with autism. Although I am not on the spectrum, I can definitely relate to a lot of the struggles he faces but just in different ways. When describing his friendship he states that he doesn’t see it as something with autism and a near-typical being friends and this made me think of how I really do view my relationships that way. Sometimes even hearing I love you makes me second guess things. I wake up some mornings and have to remind myself that I am in a relationship, but not only that, I am loved by so many people. It’s so easy to forget that when I’m not feeling myself. When Christopher told me he loved me tonight I don’t know why but something just clicked, it feels like maybe things are meant to be and I can stop waiting for something bad to happen, because maybe this time something won’t.

If I’m always expecting the worst I may be missing out on some of the best moments of my life. This weekend was special, not because I did anything crazy, but because I spent it with someone I love and our dog. Sometimes it’s the little things in life that truly mean the most.

All In a Run

Thursday evening I decided to finally make the dreaded trip to the gym, for the first time in almost a year. To my disappointment there was a sign on the door that it will not be staffed until after the long weekend. This would have been the perfect excuse to go home and continue to be lazy in front of the tv, but instead I decided to run outside despite the cold and rainy weather and I felt awesome after my 4km run/ walk. I am determined to get back in shape, something that I’ve neglected to do since I got my first “adult” job nearly two years ago. I’m getting closer to my thirties and I’ve already got my slowed metabolism from my medication against me, but I will not let those factors determine the number on the scale. I really enjoy the results of pushing my body to it’s limit so now it’s time to make this winter my bikini season! I know what has worked for me before and it’s all a matter of committing to the goal of staying healthy both mentally and physically during this upcoming semester. What a better way to relieve stress than through sweat. This is going to be a fall of reaching my academic and fitness goals, chipping away toward the last couple years of my degree and getting back into my real skinny jeans. As always my mind is my biggest barrier, but I’ve overcome so many battles including my figure many a time before. I can’t wait to show up at the gym on Tuesday with already more than one workout in. I’m going to defeat my goals, one stride at a time.

Not Everyone Has Your Heart

I feel like this a lesson I should have learned when I was far younger, if I had I might have saved myself a few tears along the way. I’ve always done my best to put the feelings of others above my own in every relationship I have ever had, be it friendship, parental, romantic or other. Yet the same mistake I have made time and time again, I have worked so hard to make others happy that I have become so unhappy myself. I find joy in doing things for other people, I do it as part of my career and in my personal life, but sometimes I wish I didn’t push so hard. Sometimes I wish I put the same effort into pleasing myself as I do trying to please everyone around me. At what cost does this people-pleasing tendency have to my own sanity? Am I giving too much? Sometimes I think I am, and lately it’s been hard to tell if my efforts are even appreciated. I might even say that I feel taken advantage of. I read a quote one time about not trying to hard to please others because not everyone has your heart. This speaks to me now, because really, if everyone in my life had my heart, I most definitely wouldn’t feel that I was being taken advantage of, in fact I would probably feel showered in love right now. People around me would notice I’m maybe not feeling the best, and they would do anything they could to help. One thing I want to emphasize is this post is not calling anyone out, because I spent last weekend with two awesome friends who made me feel awesome, so I know I am surrounded by love. Instead, this may be rather a self-reflection. Maybe I should designate time in my life to do more than just write, maybe I should make it habit of taking a nice long bath when I’m sad, or taking my dog for a walk everyday, because I feel I need to see him more and spend more quality time. Maybe I should really try my luck and try making plans with people I’ve wanted to get to know better, or others that I may have lost touch with, but really didn’t mean to. Taking time for self-care was the conclusion of my last post, but I think it’s far more simple than that, I think it comes down to treating myself the way I treat others. If anyone deserves my love and respect it’s me.

Numb

It seems that I’ve come to a point in my life where I feel stagnant. Could it be because I’m out of school for another couple weeks and work as fun as it can be is becoming monotonous, or am I truly just unhappy with where I’m living and who I’m interacting with around here. When you feel like you’ve lost a connection to someone a part of you died inside, or at least that’s how I feel these days. When will this questioning be over? Do I deserve to be worried about the future and left in the dark. Many would say no, to walk away because I can, but my heart is stubborn and I don’t like losing something I’ve worked hard to maintain. I wonder to myself when is the last time I felt beautiful or was even told that I am. It must be a long time for both because I can’t remember. To those who took the time to read this, remember to always take the time for self care, whatever that may be to you, because for me I am feeling like I’ve been neglecting myself and am somehow losing my spark. I remember the last time I went into my old job, an old coworker told me I was glowing, I doubt that I would get the same reaction these days, because I just don’t feel the way I used to.

Proudly powered by WordPress | Theme: Baskerville 2 by Anders Noren.

Up ↑