It’s Been a While

It’s been over a month since I’ve posted, and as much as I wanted to make this blog a priority, I had to let something go temporarily. My schedule is still not exactly the most flexible for leisure writing and this has a lot to do with the fact that:

a) I’ve been super busy with school, work, and life in general

b) I’ve been bust trying to cope with some challenges with my mental health

c) There is a new puppy in my life and my boyfriend and I are very busy with training and care. I will elaborate a bit more on the living situation at a later time, but unfortunately, Icarus, our pug is unable to live with me, so the majority of his care has been provided by my boyfriend and his dad, who was gracious enough to let him live there.

I won’t go on about how juggling a full-time job and finishing my degree has proven to be harder work than I imagined, because I am slowly getting back into a good routine and figure I’ll spare the boring details.

What I’d like this post to really focus on is how happy I am that worst of my most recent mental-health setback is now over.

I have been so focused on being an overachiever, that I realized that I was just adding more barriers to achieving my goals, by not prioritizing my own health and leisure time. Right before we got the puppy I banked a bunch of hours at work in order to get a day off and consequently worked 11 days in a row. The weekend was only a few hours total, but I also pulled an all-nighter in the middle of that and was not doing well at all after the fact. My memory was severely affected and that was one of the hardest parts of it all. Having to write two assignments, a quiz and midterm all at the same time with a memory impairment was very frustrating. I felt like I needed help, but like my usual self, I didn’t really reach out too much. I ended up dumping a lot on my boyfriend, his mom and my supervisor at work, until I finally could see my doctor. After some med adjustments which are always a nightmare during the lovely transition phase, I felt so drowsy the first few days, then super low, and anxious. I was all over the map, it was so difficult because I felt like I couldn’t reach out to anyone. One night I talked to my boyfriend’s mom until late into the night and when I finally let her go to bed, I texted a good friend who did so well at talking me off the ledge so to speak, it was such a relief. It was then that I realized, something that every time I get sick I seem to learn again; that I have such great support around me. I really just have to learn to ask for help, because my friends and family would do anything to make sure I continue to thrive, just as I hope they know I would do the same for them, if they needed the same type of support.

One thing that I also learned was that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, I see so much on social media platforms about people who complain about things that I almost wish were my problems. I couldn’t imagine worrying about something like not knowing how to save for a fancy new cell phone or something of the like. It almost makes me grateful to have gone through some of things I have, because even when I want to end it all, once I make it through it, I really begin to feel gratitude for everything I have and everything I have been able to achieve; despite some real neurological challenges in my life. It may be easy sometimes to think, why me? However, at this point in my life, I have so much acceptance of my illness, I really am just grateful that I don’t have to deal with something far worse. There are people in this world who are clinging to life, as I type this, and to think that just last weekend, I fantasized a world without me in it.

I know that for some people reading this, it may be difficult to believe or even accept the last thing I just wrote, but for me it’s reality. I have felt that low time and time again, and I know that maybe next time I won’t be so lucky, or even wise enough to contact a friend before I try something; but what I want to focus on now, is the fact that I am here today despite how low I felt last Sunday, and many days and nights in my past.

I want to finish this off by simply thanking whoever has read this post, even if you skimmed through it, because it has been a dream of mine so long to be a published writer, and I feel that this platform is a very good start to get one step closer to my goals.

Until next time,

Maria